i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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