my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
