also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
