the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
