Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
