my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
