it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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