One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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