He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
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She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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