I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
