so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
