she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
