Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
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