I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think im going to throw up on grandma
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
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As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
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I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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