sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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