Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
