Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
