My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
