Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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