I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
