you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
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I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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