I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
