I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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