I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
