i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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