I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
