My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
