I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
