My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
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I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
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We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
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