kristin has been a bad kristin
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
