My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
