I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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