Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
