I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
