So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
