If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.