just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same