I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...