You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
