One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
