I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
