My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
