i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
