At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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