I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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