Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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