Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
