tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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