you guys were way drunker than both of me
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
