Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
ttyl tear gas
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
