that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?