I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
These 25 Soulless Industries Have Been Scamming Us For Years
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.