Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
