I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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