My sheets look like a crime scene.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
