I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
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The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
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I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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