i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
