I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
